Recently at a lecture I attended, the speaker relayed the following story from her life: A six year old girl was asked, “Pretend you were in a room full of scary tigers. What would you do?” The little girl paused for a long moment and then responded, “Well … I’d just stop pretending.” 

Ah, the power of the mind. Just as it can conjure the scariest of scenarios, so too can it release them. Hold that thought for just a minute or two while you read on. What I want to chat with you about are the three wicked step sisters, Fear, Doubt and Worry (well, that’s a little dramatic but I think you get the point) and how to change the way you relate to them. 

To set the stage, a little gift from the poet Rumi entitled, “The Guest House:” This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice - meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

The premise: We all deal with fears of one kind or another but most of us haven’t a clue what to do with them or how to be with them. Mostly we employ the strategy of fight or flight. When we feel a worry, a concern, a doubt or a fear, we either go to battle with it or run for the hills (how’s that working out for you?).  BUT alas, there is another way. There is a way to be with the heavier side of our emotional selves; a relationship that redefines what it means to be the glorious feeling being that you are. 

A simple man’s definition of fear, doubt and worry: Fear: a natural emotive response to a perceived danger. The two important words here are natural and perceived. Natural, because as beings, we’ve evolved to have feelings. Our feelings are our messengers. Every feeling is intended to deliver a message and move on leaving us clear for the next messenger. (for a deeper exploration on feelings as messengers, check out this article on my blog.) The general message of fear, is one of protection. When we heed the message of fear, it can go on its little way. The other important word in that definition is perceived. Depending on who we are, our system can perceive danger in any change to the status quo. That’s why change can be so scary sometimes but with some awareness, a little logic and some simple strategies, you can examine your ‘fears’ with curiosity, act if necessary or release them like so much dust in the wind.  

Doubt: another natural emotive response. Related to fear, doubt is simple uncertainty. It’s the hesitation to believe something is true or possible especially when there is a lack of evidence. Cool. Not a problem unless you’re a person who has to be certain about things before you can move ahead.

Worry: If you pull it from the dictionary, worry is defined as “tormenting oneself with disturbing thoughts” (Fun!). The way I think about it, worry is pent up, unacknowledged fear. When we don’t work with our fears, they get backed up resulting in worry. So when you find yourself worrying, you know you’ve got some work to do around fear.

Ok with that explained …. let’s turn to some of the tools and perspectives that can help us when we’re dealing with these three states of mind. And to simplify things, I am going to treat fear as a container for both doubt and worry because essentially, how you’ll deal with one is how you’ll deal with any of them

It’s a muscle! Building a healthy relationship to fear, doubt or worry is just like a muscle you work out at the gym. The more you train and practice, the stronger you get and the less anxious you feel. Experiment, play, lean into your feeling self, listen, welcome, allow and over time you will begin to feel so much more empowered.

Fear as protector: Recall that fear is a naturally occurring feeling and as with any feeling, it gets to be felt. It’s ok to feel afraid. We feel fear because our system is trying to alert us to some perceived danger. Thank you, fear. When we understand this, we can stop being afraid of our own fear. When we understand the almost caring role of fear, perhaps we can stop running from our own emotional state and listen to its message. It doesn’t mean that our fear is always “right. It just means that we need to acknowledge the feeling and, if needed, take an appropriate action.

Feeling vs. Thinking: There’s fear, the feeling, and then there’s the thinking or the narrative that gets attached to the feeling and this, my friends, is to me where most of us get stuck. Our task is to separate out what we’re saying to ourselves when we get afraid. If you can isolate the narrative in your head – examine it, get curious about it and question it, you can oftentimes find the wisdom or the fallacy in your fear. Either way, you will have taken a necessary step that will position you for action or release. Getting your fears – the narrative portion of your fears – down on paper is a huge help in sorting through them and making sense out of them.

Some tools for your daily living:

•  Writing. Fears belong on paper, not in your mind and not in your heart. To understand the power of writing down your fears, go here.
• Inner dialogue. Talking to your fears is an easy, in the moment way to address what is coming up in you. A simple greeting like “hello my little fear” creates a welcoming inner atmosphere. It also creates a gap between you and your feeling. In that gap you can feel yourself and the feeling as separate. 
• I am not my feelings. It’s true! You’re not your feelings. Knowing this can really be helpful when you hit your own perfect storm of feelings. 
• Movement. Get your ass to the gym! At a minimum, get moving. Move a muscle, change a thought (or feeling). I can’t overstate the importance of movement when navigating powerful feelings.
• Gratitude. Get your gratitude on, folks. “Thank you Life for everything, I have no complaints whatsoever.” That’s a motto worth living by. When you’re in a world of hurt with your feelings, try on some gratitude and just see what space it gives you.
• Action. You can either act in ways that deepen your fear or you can act your way into a new reality. Feel the fear and do it anyway. If you’re feeling fearful around something, try taking an action towards it then watch as your fear begins to subside. 
• Is it mine, yours or God’s? When worry is the monkey on your back, you can ask yourself this simple question. Are you worrying about something that is in YOUR control? Cool! What action can you take to deal with that situation?? Are you worrying about something that is not in your control? Something that belongs to God or to another person? These are areas of worry to be released. If they are not in your control, practice surrendering that worry.
• Is this true right now? You can almost always assume that your fear is based on some past experience … it’s like we drag around this bag full of old failures, shortcomings and perceived missteps and each time we move out into our life in some new way, we compare that move to something in our past. So, a simple question like “Is this (fear) true today?” or as my pal, Barbara says “Is it true in 2010?” puts you in the present moment so you can judge for yourself with fresh eyes what is real and what is in the past.
• Are you filling your room full of scary tigers? Remember our story -when faced with uncertainty, we will often fill in the gaps with fear based scenarios. We may not even notice it happening at first but before we know it, we’ve created one scary possibility after another and with each new ‘tiger’ we’ve created, our overwhelm goes up while our ability to take effective action goes down.

So you’re feeling afraid … now what?  A simple process to use with any fear:

Step 1: Feel the feeling first. See it. Greet it. Say howdy to it. Breathe into it. Lean into it … whatever you want to do to make its presence ok. Remember being afraid is fine. It’s not a problem until you make it one.

Step 2: Identify what you’re telling yourself. What is it exactly that you’re afraid will happen? If you can get it down onto paper, that’s always a help but it you’re on the run, no worries – this can be done on the fly. The point is to separate the feeling of fear from the thinking of fear.

Now that you have the words associated with the fear, examine it. Is what you’re telling yourself true? Can you be 100% certain? What else might be true? What else might be possible? The point is to question what you’re telling yourself. Remember that most fears are based on past experiences and are therefore not necessarily true in this present moment. Most fear based thinking is designed to stop you; to keep you stuck and out of motion.

Step 3: Act. Act. Act. What action can you take – big or small – that would create a new experience? What one action can you take that says you’re more committed to your vision, your goal or your dream than you are to your fear? Remember, your actions determine your reality. You can act in ways that strengthen and deepen your fear or you can act your way into a new experience, a new reality, and a new version of YOU. (Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you!)

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