Be The Change You Want to See in Your Relationships
We reach for relationships because we long for many things. We long for acceptance, affection, companionship and
appreciation. We want to be seen. We need to be heard. And so, we reach. We reach to form relationships so that these beautiful needs, our beautiful needs can flourish. We reach so that we can know love.
How do we achieve this? How do we create the kinds of relationships that fuel our lives? How do we cultivate deep connections? It begins with us. It begins with our willingness and our ability to create a deeply connected relationship with our self.
Acceptance experienced from another is born out of our acceptance for our self. Appreciation from the ones we choose to love has it’s genesis in our appreciation for ourselves.
In fact, the more we are able to meet our own beautiful needs, the more the people in our lives have to build upon. When we refuse to meet ourselves within our own heart, when we starve ourselves of our own love and attention and companionship, our loved ones – no matter their commitment to us – are rendered powerless.
In order for us to feel their love, it has to have fertile ground upon which to fall. That fertile ground is tended by us. That fertile ground is our responsibility.
When we take beautiful responsibility for our own beautiful needs, when we become stewards of our own inner relationship, a space gets created for the relationships in our lives to actually begin to move in powerful new ways.
So how do we get from here to there?
The way we get there my friend, lies in the myriad of moments that happen everyday between ourselves and the people who inhabit our lives. Each of those moments is an opportunity to connect – first to ourselves and secondly to the other person.
On Monday, we focused on a particular kind of moment. We focused on what I called the triggered moment. I chose to start here simply because it’s where we often get stuck.
For this conversation, a triggered moment is a moment:
- That is a reaction to some sort of negatively perceived incident.
- When we’re flooded with emotions.
- Where our thinking takes over and we begin to judge and evaluate the other.
- We disconnect from our self and certainly from the person who is present with us.
- We ‘go away’ into our anger or fear or blame.
- That is completely natural.
When handled in a certain way, an emotionally triggered moment can become a beautiful moment of connection; shifting from a moment of pain and strife to a moment where the relationship can deepen and grow.
Harnessing your own triggered moments mean harnessing your power to connect. But before you can get there…know this:
Awareness is the first step to change. So, my friend, how about you do a little experiment and track your own triggers for a week or so? Interested in doing so? Here are some questions to support you:
- What is your response to a triggered state?
- How does it feel when you’re in one?
- Can you see patterns in how you handle an emotionally flooded moment?
- Where do you go? Do you go to blame? Do you go to self attack?
- What happens to you?
- What do you do or say to the other person?
- What impact does all of this have on the connection you really are wanting?
Why even do this?
Because the health of our relationships DEPEND on the moments that make them up and if you’re not reclaiming these moments, then you’re simply adding fuel to the fire that is disconnection.
Some tips for managing your triggered state:
- When we get triggered, we disconnect from our self so the first step is to get reconnected to yourself.
- When we’re triggered, we’re in pain so self compassion and empathy are essential. Don’t worry so much WHY you’re in pain, just that you are. Compassion and empathy are beautiful needs. Start by meeting them for yourself.
- Name your feeling (to yourself). This meets your need to be seen and heard.
- Take responsibility for your own emotional reaction and for what you’re telling yourself. This is a tough one because we want to blame the other but the truth is, your feeling state is just that, yours. No one can create it but you. Acknowledging this empowers you to shift it. Blaming someone else; making someone else in charge of YOUR feelings disempowers you.
- Breathe a few deep breaths.Seriously folks, we hear it all the time but it’s true. Oxygen changes brain chemistry.
- Step away if you need to and come back when you’ve settled.
When we learn to harness our own triggered states, they can become portals into the kind of connection we’re longing for. When we build the muscle of meeting our own beautiful needs, in the moment, then that person we’re feeling so at odds with might actually stand a chance of connecting with us.
Be the change you want to see in your relationships and just watch as they take on a new luster and form. Change the way you show up for yourself and watch as the people around you change in the way they show up for you too.
