We reach for relationships because we long for many things. We long for acceptance, affection, companionship andappreciation. We want to be seen. We need to be heard. And so, we reach. We reach to form relationships so that these beautiful needs, our beautiful needs can flourish. We reach so that we can know love.

How do we achieve this? How do we create the kinds of relationships that fuel our lives? How do we cultivate deep connections? It begins with us. It begins with our willingness and our ability to create a deeply connected relationship with our self.

Acceptance experienced from another is born out of our acceptance for our self. Appreciation from the ones we choose to love has it’s genesis in our appreciation for ourselves.

In fact, the more we are able to meet our own beautiful needs, the more the people in our lives have to build upon. When we refuse to meet ourselves within our own heart, when we starve ourselves of our own love and attention and companionship, our loved ones – no matter their commitment to us – are rendered powerless.

In order for us to feel their love, it has to have fertile ground upon which to fall. That fertile ground is tended by us. That fertile ground is our responsibility.

When we take beautiful responsibility for our own beautiful needs, when we become stewards of our own inner relationship, a space gets created for the relationships in our lives to actually begin to move in powerful new ways.

So how do we get from here to there? Read more…

We hold and we hold and we hold; our grip so tight, the blood leaves our hand … and in one of those breathless, gripping moments we wonder … why am I not seeing the very thing I am longing to bring into my life? It never occurs to us that the very thing we’re holding on so tightly to is the very thing blocking what we long for in our life. It might be a belief we hold about ourselves or a habit that no longer serves or a relationship that has long since atrophied. Whatever it is, we’ve become more committed to what has been leaving no space for what we’ve dared to dream of. There is a story about a little monkey. He gets his hand stuck in a jar because he won’t let go of the nut he’s grabbed onto. This little monkey has made his little nut more important than his liberation, more vital than his freedom. He doesn’t get it. Truth be told, sometimes we don’t either. Because truth be told, most of the time we don’t even realize what’s happening; we don’t realize that we’ve prioritized what’s in our hands over what’s in our hearts, what’s here and now for what might be. And the rest of the time? Well, we’re just plain greedy, we want the old and the new. But let’s take former and leave the latter; the greed, for another time. Let’s explore how to break through, to get unstuck, to unleash the beauty that lives in our own imagination and in our own hearts. Let’s explore how to bring what is in our hearts and minds into the world.

I say it all the time; we’re wired to evolve, to change, to dream, to reach, to want, to transcend. It’s in our DNA. But too, we’re wired to resist and hang on and fear the very things we find being born in our hearts. It’s a bit of a paradox and it can be maddening, that is, unless you simply accept the contradiction as a sort of necessary tension to the whole birthing process. But let’s say you haven’t gotten this far yet. Let’s say you’ve simply identified something you want to change or bring into your life. And let’s say in spite of the best laid plans, you’ve had little luck at the manifesting part of your vision or idea or longing. In short, you’re stuck. Two things you know for sure: you know what you want and there’s no sign of it. What are you supposed to do? How the heck do you move past this point?

Entering stage left, our hero:  The Well Placed Question. Read more…

“Any resolution or decision you make is simply a promise to yourself which isn’t worth a tinker’s damn until you have formed the habit of making it and keeping it. And you won’t form the habit of making it and keeping it unless right at the start you link it with a definite purpose that can be accomplished by keeping it. In other words, any resolution or decision you make today has to be made again tomorrow, and the next, and so on. And it not only has to be made each day, but it has to be kept each day for if you miss one day in the making and keeping of it, you’ve got to go back and begin again. But if you continue the process of making it each morning and keeping it each day, you will finally wake up one morning, a different person in a different world, and you will wonder what has happened to you and the world you used to live in.”   Albert E. Gray (1885-1942)

If you’re headed out to make a change in your life, make sure you pack a bag with a few things because you’ll need them along the way: an understanding of the process of change, an engaging purpose or reason for the change, a healthy supply of desire, and a creative, tenacious and persistent attitude. Read more…

Dare to set your relationship bar high.  The benefit of doing this is really twofold.   First it calls you to become the person who can be a partner in as well as nurture and flourish in that level of relationship.  Here’s how it works: as you reach for your partner and that relationship, you reach for yourself.  As you grow towards that relationship, you grow into yourself.  It’s almost as if that desire, the desire for love is a cleverly designed strategy for you to become your most glorious self.  Secondly, you get what you envision.  So if you’re going to envision a relationship, why envision something half-ass?  Why not imagine the most outrageously fulfilling relationship you can picture?  The worst thing is you’ll actually become this amazingly delicious and balanced version of yourself.  And who the hell doesn’t want that?                                                                                              

When envisioning the ideal relationship, I like to imagine it in its parts and as a whole.  First imagine who he or she is.  Get as detailed as possible.  Honor and respect all of your preferences.  As important, include who your partner is emotionally; how he is with you, strangers, problems, old people, children, pets, change, uncertainty, disappointment – the whole shebang.  Now pause and remember that what you long to discover in another is also what you long to embody in yourself.  Hmm…  see the power of a bar set high?  Next imagine you; how and who you are in this partnership.  Raise the bar on yourself.  What surprises you about who you’ve become?  Explore all of you as you explored all of him.  Thirdly, explore the two of you.  Who are you as you two move through the world?  Who are you in bed?  How do people respond when they are around you?  How do you handle problems, disagreements, successes, confusion?  Read more…